How to Cook a Book

Ingredients:

26 letters, uppercase and lowercase (A to Z and a to z)

22 punctuation characters { [ ( , ; : . ! ? – – — “ ” ‘ ’ ~ * / ) ] }

12 keys (Enter Backspace Ctrl Shift CapsLk Tab Esc Home End PgUp PgDn Delete)

10 digits (0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9)

10 fingers (2 thumbs 2 index fingers 2 middle fingers 2 ring fingers 2 pinkies)

8 opinions (great good okay neutral unsure poor bad awful)

7 days (Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday)

6 degrees of separation

4 arrows (right left up down)

2 genders (male female)

2 cents

1 word processor

1 keyboard

1 dictionary

1 thesaurus

1 mouse

1 pillow

1 editor

1 mind

1 heart

1 soul

 

Recipe:

Blend heart with experience.

Infuse soul with character.

Combine mind with knowledge.

Mix 1 mind, 1 heart, 1 soul.

Stir occasionally.

Seat mind, heart, and soul at 1 word processor.

Add 1 keyboard and 1 mouse.

Pour in 26 letters (uppercase and lowercase), 22 punctuation characters, 12 keys, 10 digits, 10 fingers, and 4 arrows.

Separate contents with 1 dictionary and 1 thesaurus.

Create protagonist, antagonist, and other characters in 2 genders with 6 degrees of separation.

Remove 5 degrees of separation.

Mix characters thoroughly.

Press Backspace and Delete repeatedly.

Write more.

Edit and revise.

Scream!

Give up.

Resume.

Edit and revise.

Send to 1 editor.

Cry into 1 pillow.

Stir with word processor.

Send back to editor.

Cry into pillow again.

Stir with word processor.

Seek 8 opinions.

Receive 9.

Earn 2 cents for each opinion.

That makes 18 cents.

Cry into pillow.

Edit and revise.

Send back to editor.

Cry into pillow.

Format, format, format.

Send back to editor.

Scream for joy!

Publish.

Promote.

Sell.

Scream for joy!

Promote.

Receive 5-star review.

Scream for joy!

That makes 20 cents.

Promote.

Receive 2-star review.

Cry into pillow.

That makes 22 cents.

Stay away from word processor for 7 days.

Promote.

Receive a compliment from a complete stranger in person.

Cry for joy.

Write next book.

 

Secret Recipe:

3 parts heart, 1 part brain.

40 years life experience.

Mix thoroughly.

Infuse with passion.

Enjoy!

 

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers (and Formatting Pages for Publishing on Amazon with CreateSpace – coming soon)

2 comments on “How to Cook a Book

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